when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
