so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
