Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
