I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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