i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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