Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
