pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
