dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
