Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
