Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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