Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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