You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
