Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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