This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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