I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
