I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
When did angry sex become our thing?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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