I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
