I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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