that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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