So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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