need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
