Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
