I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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