I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
