I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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