I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
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