last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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