the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
