i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
