I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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