i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize