I got chris browned last night
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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