The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
