Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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