we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
