Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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