his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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