all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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