I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
