morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
