Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
