Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Barsexuality is the new black.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
