well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
