At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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