Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
