Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
