It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
