Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
