so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
