I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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