I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
