It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You were trust falling into bushes
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
