today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My bed smells like the plague
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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