I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
you had me at cake vodka
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
