did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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