The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
